And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
whose parrot is this?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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