My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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