You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
