During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
