I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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