my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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