I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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