I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
