last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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