so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
