Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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