Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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