When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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