You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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