So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
