I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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