420 ftw
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
