and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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