if i died would you start the facebook group?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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