i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
