Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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