If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
