wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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