Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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