if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
