Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
