I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
