Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
