so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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