I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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