So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
