i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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