Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
