On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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