so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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