There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
