Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
