you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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