my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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