Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
