Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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