Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day

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(802): View more from Vermont

I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.

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