apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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