Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
