you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
