Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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