ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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