Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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