jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Terrible idea I love it
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
