Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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