Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
