Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
