I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
