i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
