living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
