what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
