mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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