the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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