he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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