Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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