Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
