So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
