"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
