6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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