I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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